being a mom isnt easy...

Being a mom in general isnt the easiest thing but it is the most amazing thing to be a mom. I know that i love my daughter with all my heart and there is not one thing i wouldnt do for her. but there are times when all i want is to be alone be able to think without her yelling in my ear mommy mommy. this is where having the dad there helps out alot. not having that other person to rely on sucks. there is nothing you can do but deal with the stress of it all on your own. there are things that i can not explain and there are things i can. the way i feel sometimes is one of the things i can not explain. there are times when all i want to do is to just leave and never look back but i know i cant do that because i have my daughter. and i know that might sound really harsh but it is the truth. there are times that i have said to myself ugh if only i didnt have a baby but i wouldnt change having her for anything. i say that when she is pushing my buttons and i havent quite figured out how to deal with all of that plus all the other stuff i am going through.
i mean i dont know if there are other single moms out there who have done this but i sometimes will hold my daughter and just cry becuase i love her so much but at times i wish i didnt have her and i feel like such a horrible person when i feel like that. it is all the stress building and building inside me then all of a sudden i wanna just give up but i cant. being a mom is the best gift anyone could get and i am so glad that i am someones momma...

I have a break down...

So I am pretty much to my present time with bits and pieces of the past going in and out of my blogs. But I had a complete break down tonight while I was at work. I dont like to do this because I like for people to think that I am a strong person I dont like to show weakness even though I know it is human nature. I guess everything that has been going on in my life has finally caught up to me and I just lost it. I try to keep my emotions in check so that no one will ask me that question that I hate being asked because I dont know how to answer it anymore... Whats wrong? I have to learn who I can and can not trust with things that are going on in my life.
Life has its twists and turns and you have to learn how to move your body to flow with those turns and such. mine I guess forgot how to do that tonight becasue I hit the tree that was blocking my path and it hurt. I have always said life will throw you curve balls you just have to learn how to catch them and I have tried really hard to do that. To learn how to catch them I guess in order to learn to catch them you have to drop a few. Tonight I dropeed one of those few.
I mean when I got arrested I was calm and collected on the outside but was dying on the inside. My friend who was there that horrible day asked me the other day how I was so calm about it all. I told her because there was nothing I could do about it and basically what was done was done. I cant change my past and I cant predict my future so instead of living and dwelling on the what ifs or the what could be Im gonna start living in the now. And I am going to love every "momma pee pee momma pee pee", every scream, every morning being woke up by either her foot in my face or her mumbling to herself... I am gonna live for my daughter for the one person who will love me unconditionally no matter what and who is the one person who keeps me sain and that amazes me everyday...

And Im out...

So when I got out of jail on the bracelet I cried all the way home with antisipation of seeing Kylynn and being able to hold her again. The most amazing part of coming home was seeing her eyes widen when I came in the door and her reaching out her arms and saying momma!! I lost it i cried and held her so tight I couldnt believe she was in my arms. I had missed holding her so much.
Then the next few days flew by and I was loving being home. I loved hearing Kylynn cry in the morning when she woke up and I loved having her in my arms. There is nothing like a mothers love for her child and I think that it is so much stronger when you are away for awhile and then come back home and they still remember you and you are just completly amazed at how much this little person loves you unconditionally.
I think the best part about being a mom is that I know Kylynn loves me no matter what mistakes I have made will make or am making. She will always love me like I love my mom and it amazes me to know that she was created with love and that at one point her dad and I were happy enough together to have her no matter how bad things were or how bad they get shes here for a reason and I cant wait to see what amazing things she will do in the future,

The after math

So my relationship with Kylynn's dad stayed in tack until after I was let out on the bracelet. I looked at things in a new light when I looked into my daughter's eyes. I wanted so bad for my little family to stay together but there was nothing that I felt would change. Her dad has been doing the same pattern in his life for so long that I didnt believe that he would ever change. So when he got a 3 way to me one night I told him I was done. Not only because I needed to be me and find myself again but I had heard some pretty desturbing things about stuff he had done that I didnt know about until now.
I told him I wanted him to sign off his rights because in my eyes he didnt deserve to have rights to Kylynn. But I decided to be the bigger person and give him a chance to prove that he has changed and will be a different person when he gets out of jail. So we were friends and we would talk via letters about Kylynn and how she is doing and things like that. The what ifs and such. Then he called me one day and was talking about how he couldnt wait to try again and start over fresh with our relationship. I felt my heart drop how was I going to tell him that there was no more us there would never again be an us because i didnt trust him I didnt love him anymore. So I told him the truth and I knew he was going to lash out at me and he did just that.
He told me I never loved him because you dont loose love for someone over night. I told him I had lost love along time ago. And he said he didnt want to talk anymore and that I didnt have to worry about him. But to know that I would see him in court when he got out to fight for 50/50 custody of Kylynn. I said its not gonna happen and my heart was saying what if it does. I would crumble if he ever got half the time with Kylynn and i only got half the time. I love her and I raised her for her whole life. So my question to myself was how the helk does he think he deserves to have her when he hasnt really been there for her in the last 18 months? He the hell does he get off saying hes gonna take me to court!! I mean he has yet to pay ANY child support from any of the time he wasnt around and he has the adasity to say he wants 50/50 custody! OVER MY DEAD BODY!!!! So now the question that goes through my head is do I get his parental rights taken from him for not seeing her or do I let him try and be a dad when he gets out of jail...

i thought i was trapped...

While I think about my life and how much it has changed in the last 2 years I think mostly about how I thought after Kylynns dad came home that I was trapped in a relationship that was loveless at least on my end and unhappy. When we got our own apartment I made the obligation to pay bills and take care of my family. So when him and I would get into fights and I would think about leaving I would justify staying to myself by saying that I pay the bills why should I leave. Now I look back and ask myself if all that was worth it.
No it wasnt and I also used to justify staying by telling myself I had nowhere else to go. But now that I am outside my own head and I look at the big picture I had so many places to go. I guess I wanted so bad for my family to work that I made myself think I had nowhere else to go.
I dont wish that I had never met Kylynns dad and I would never say that I regret ever being with him because if I said those things I would regret my daughter and that is one thing I could never regret. Kylynn is my everything and she is the main reason I get up every morning and the main reason I will get through all of this and I will come out on top!! Because I am a survivor and no man is gonna knock me down and keep me there.

My journey

Maintaining custody of Kylynn keeps me sain. Life is crazy and the one thing that keeps me sain is being a mommy. Being a single mom with a one and a half year old is not easy and the people who are doing the same thing as i am... raising their child alone know what I mean. Waking up everyday is a blessing in itself but waking up to my daughter's foot in my face because she seems to think the only way to get me up is to kick me in the face is 100 times better.
As a parent single or not you face new challenges with your children everyday. The difference between being a parent with a partner to help and a single parent is the extra support you have of the other parent. As a single mom I can not turn to Kylynn's dad and tell him I need some time to myself to watch Kylynn. I dont like to ask my mom for help because it is not her place her job I should say. She has raised her children and yes she loves to have her grandma time but there are times when I just want to be like I need a minute and I know she cant because she is dealing with her own drama.
I am on the bracelet and on house arrest till October 27th my count down to freedom has begun. It is really hard for me to get away when I need to when I am basically trapped in my own home. So I have tried to learn how to deal with my emotions and stress in different ways. I have started to cook, this seems to take me out of my own head and lets me just be me for a little while. Then of course there is my singing which is my biggest hobby but I dont get to do much anymore.
So when I cook I crank the radio and jam while I cook. Getting used to being a single mom again is hard and the thought that I might never find someone who will not only accept me for all my faults and background and also accept Kylynn scares me. There are plenty of guys who since breaking up with Kylynns dad have said they like me and dont care that i have a child but I just dont think I am ready for all that again. I am not ready to put myself out there to open up that door that could possibly get me hurt again...

and my world starts to crumble

Like I said my life did not go the way I wanted it to once Kylynn's dad got home from Chicago. He stayed with me at my moms house for like 2 weeks and told me it was too much for him and left to stay with some friends. Come to find out he is dating and sleeping with another girl. It broke my heart and tore me completly apart. But whenever I took Kylynn to see him or drop her off by him I put on my strong Im ok face. And it seemed to bother him alot.
Once he seen that without him I would be ok he decided he wanted to come back and stay with me and Kylynn. So I let him big mistake because for the next month or so this would go on. He would move out with the other girl and then come home. Finally we had set up a place for the three of us to move into so our living arraigments wouldnt be so crazy. But when it came time to move he left with the other girl again. I think he thought that I would stay with my mom and let this bs continue. I didnt I moved out as I had planned and it worked in my favor because when he found out I moved he came back with me and Kylynn and this time he stayed.
Thing with Kylynn's dad is he was or if you want to say still is into some not so good things. Mostly weed. I told him I didnt want him doing it but that never stopped him. So we stayed with some friends until we found a place of our own that I could afford on the money I made because he wasnt working. So we moved into a 2 bedroom duplex with him myself Kylynn and his brother. Not what I had in mind because I wasnt exactly thrilled that his brother was here in the first place. But I loved him and I loved his family (and still love some of them).
Life was good for awhile and I didnt have to be a single mom for something like 6 months. Yea thats about all the time her dad was steday in her life. But things went from ok, to bad, to much much worse. Most of my friends and family know how everything went down for me the last 6 months. My apartment got raided (thanks in most part to Kylynn's dad), I went to jail on violation of probation, charges for child neglect and keeper of a drug house, My life seemed to be completly over. I lost everything, my family, my home, my sanity, my faith, and my daughter (or so I had thought). When I found out that CPS had taken my daughter I lost it, but thank God they gave her to my mom. My mom and sister took on a 14 month old and never blinked an eye when the state asked them to take care of her while I was gone.
My family pulled through for me and now it was time for me to pull through all this crap for them. The state found that I was not the main person to do the neglecting so I maintain full custody and placement of Kylynn and I thank God every single day that she wasnt taken from me because if she had been I dont know that I would be here today.

My history

Ok so I have decided to start a blog about my life and being a single mom. How I got here where I am and the trials and tribunes I go through everyday without the help of my daughter's father. There is alot behind the relationship of me and my daughter's dad. But I will tell you about my daughter. Her name is Kylynn Janet Helwig, born February 15th 2010 at 9:01pm. She is an amazing child and I cant see my life without her now.
When I found out I was pregnant I thought I had it made. I had the man I thought at the time I was going to marry by my side. Then when I was 2 months pregnant he went to prison for a year. I then found myself alone and totally lost with this new life growing inside me. I went through my pregnancy and labor and delivery without my "other half". It was not easy I would watch tv shows of couples having their children and being supported by one another and would cry. I want so bad to share that moment when Kylynn came into the world with her dad.
But for me, as for many other single moms too, I took that journey not completly alone but without the one who help put me there. Kylynn's dad did not even find out that I had her until she was a month old. He got out of prison when Kylynn was 4 months old and I thought for sure things would work out, my family would be together and things had changed. I was wrong...
When her dad came home he decided on the first night to get really drunk. He asked me why I didnt want to stay up and spend time with him. I look him in the eyes and said "because I have a baby to take care of when she gets up in the morning". He didnt seem to understand that our lives had changed forever. The next night he decided to have his family come and visit and get yet again completly drunk. I had had enough...
I sent him home to Chicago with his family, I couldnt stand the fact that he didnt seem to care that there was a small person depending on us 100%. He left for about 2 months before he decided to call and see if he could come home. I waited for him to call for those 2 months and didnt think it would take him that long to want to be re-united with his family. So when he came home again we tried to start over to make things work...
Lets just say they didnt get any better.